The Five Phases of Donald Trump’s Annual Physical

The Five Phases of Donald Trump’s Annual Physical


-Trump made an unplanned visit to Walter Reed Medical Center
on Saturday. He tweeted he was there to visit the family
of a young man having surgery. And while he was there, he said, “Also began phase one
of my yearly physical. Everything very good. Great.” [ Laughter ] Phase one of a physical? That sounded strange. So we did some digging
and discovered that his annual physical
has five phases. So let’s take a look now at the five phases of
Donald Trump’s annual physical. Phase one, measure
his official height and negotiate
his official weight. [ Laughter, applause ] Phase two,
a complete strip, spackle, priming, and repainting. Phase three, his annual battery
of paternity tests. [ Laughter, applause ] Phase four, surgically remove
his hand from a Nutella jar. And finally, phase five, ask
about getting breast implants. Not the procedure — He just
wants to play around with them. [ Laughter, applause ]
This has been the five phases of Donald Trump’s
annual physical.

100 comments on “The Five Phases of Donald Trump’s Annual Physical

  1. Space-Cadet David 'Spanky Bonespurs' Dennison : Post author

    Trump can either play with breast implants or his own man-boobs. Ewww! 🤮

    Reply
  2. Benjamin Jensen Post author

    This will be Trumps version of his hospital visit: “As soon as I got there everyone recognized me as the Chosen One, all the surgeons said that they wished that their hands were as magnificent as mine, three patients immediately came out of a coma to thank me and all the heart monitors started beeping in unison to the National Anthem”.

    Reply
  3. Supre Macy Post author

    He’s fine….Trump just woke to some terrible new wrinkles caused by his extra angry rants at his rallies. So he went in for some emergency Botox.

    Reply
  4. Angry Socialist Post author

    “Everything very good (great)!”
    What kind of talking is that?
    Yes, I haven’t none no gone to get a better body (hate my body), but I’m good great amazing totally not weak (fake news said I am weak!)

    I’m concerned for his poor brain. There’s one last poor braincell up there suffering.

    Reply
  5. ProjectFlashlight612 Post author

    At this point, Trump announcing he had two hearts like Doctor Who and would live to be 206, I'd just sigh and reach for the scrumpy.

    Reply
  6. Akhilesh Post author

    He stuffed himself with so much chicken that it got sentient and crossed the road to visit the hospital to get out of Trump's body

    Reply
  7. Samus Knight Post author

    I was sure one of those "phases" would have been surgically removing the lips of Republicans from his ass. An ongoing phase too.

    Reply
  8. S L Post author

    "Every year I take at least 300 steps. They say the most of any president in history. I'm also very strong, the strongest even, the Doctor told me my heart was bigger than any man's he'd ever seen."

    – Trump probably.

    Reply
  9. Ant B Post author

    Trump is about as smart as a Zombie and, maybe, they are keeping him alive by the same means… That would explain both his demeanor and his utterances…

    Reply
  10. Glenn Welsh Post author

    That's why Americans want affordable universal healthcare – so we can add those stages to our annual physicals too.

    Reply
  11. dom crocitto Post author

    Mr.Foxnews sir. I am a super doc of psychology and have a sdp in psychology. Sir we have a list of how crazy a person is.
    Number one: I met God
    Number two: it’s everyone else,not me
    Sir, you suffer badly from number two. It’s not all the many other news channels, it’s you

    Reply
  12. WTF Again? Post author

    He was having an anxiety attack. The panicky feeling that the walls are closing in.

    Wonder where that idea is coming from? 😂

    Reply
  13. Alter Schwede Post author

    He wiped his ass with printed paper and now his rectum is smarter then his brain, this needed to be corrected by getting his asshole lobotomised

    Reply
  14. Alpharius Omegon Post author

    Who would have thought that eating Mc Donald's every day and doing uppers is not the best thing for your health. He thinks sport decreases his health by reducing his energy like a battery.

    Reply
  15. EnderZ13 Post author

    I figured the five stages of Trump's physical were denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

    Reply
  16. Rob Li Post author

    If Trump gets breast implants so he could play with them then he'll have to write a check for $130,000 to himself.

    Reply
  17. ursaltydog Post author

    Phase 1: Lie about height (hint: he's shorter than Obama) and then lie about weight so that it's just barely above obese.

    Reply
  18. dietotaku Post author

    Trump negotiates on his height too, he's barely 5'11" if he's an inch but he wears lifts and leans forward like a bloated penguin to make himself look taller.

    Reply
  19. Lori Morse Post author

    Dr. Eric Berg diagnosed exactly what Trump's health is and its shocking…Take a look

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGuX40yFv6A&list=TLGGkI23xDLrXCgxOTExMjAxOQ

    Reply
  20. gostate 2014 Post author

    He has had caffeine and Ritalin pill addiction since the 1980's. Which can be proven thru some of his incoherent rallies and slurring of his words. His heart is going to explode right out of his chest

    Reply
  21. Allan Hegyes Post author

    As with everything in the Trump universe there is no truth at all in the official announcement. Anything that could be done in the WH would have been done as a matter of course. There was something in the hospital that Trump needed that wasn't available in the WH, and it wasn't some poor soul waiting for surgery. As usual, Trump's aversion to the truth leaves himself wide open to the most hilarious comedy.

    Reply
  22. Darrylx444 Post author

    "… and here is my medical chart showing my uh-brain function. You can see it is trending downward at first, but the most important part is here at the end where it zooms way up to Stable Genius levels. And just ignore the fact that it appears to have been edited by hand using a black sharpie."

    Reply
  23. Tom Devlin Post author

    Stop right there boy, stop right there. If you remove Trump's hand from a Nutella jar, he might be able to type in the nuclear code numbers believing that he is ringing out for a Big Mac and fries.

    Reply
  24. AbortRetry Fail? Post author

    The possibility of being held accountable for something for the first time in 72 years, combined with a steady diet of KFC and Adderall, are starting to take their toll.

    Reply
  25. N Cappiello Post author

    Funniest part of a Trump's tweet is he says he's going to complete the rest of his yearly physical "next year". Smh

    Reply
  26. Pam Timmins Post author

    trump can stay in the hospital for all I care, I have no concern for that creeps health, that creep is selling our country out to his bff putin….Impeach Indict Jail trump! SAVE OUR COUNTRY AND THE REST OF THE WORLD FROM trump and the cowardly gop thugs!

    Reply
  27. Ro G Post author

    The Five Phases of t'rump supporter thinking – as told by a t'rump supporter.
    "Phase 1. Hold on a second, there are five? I can't count that high!"

    😄😆

    Reply
  28. Charles Seitzinger Post author

    Look at the numbers on that memo.. trump is healthier than the average American, than Obama's figures… better than the average Olympic athlete??? Gtfoh… why is nobody calling g that out?

    Reply
  29. arthurneddysmith Post author

    Phase 1: Lie about the nature of his visit to the hospital.
    Phase 2: Pay a seedy doctor to pretend Trump's test results were "all positive".
    Phase 3: Manage to commit both bribery and extortion in the course of a five minute hospital visit.
    Phase 4: Say "the Do Nothing Democrats committed bribery and extortion" during his visit to the hospital.
    Phase 5: Have Bill Barr announce an investigation into what Joe Biden did during Trump's visit to the hospital.

    Reply

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