How to Test Your Emotional Maturity

How to Test Your Emotional Maturity


One of the more puzzling aspects of the way
we’re built is that our emotional development does not necessarily or automatically keep
pace with our physical growth. We can be fifty-five on the outside and four and a half in terms
of our impulses and habitual manner of communicating – just as we can be on the threshold of
adulthood physically while an emotional sage within.
In order to assess our own and others’ emotional development, we can make use of a single deceptively
simple question that quickly gets to the core of our underlying emotional ‘age’.
When someone on whom we depend emotionally lets us down, disappoints us, or leaves us
hanging and uncertain, what is our characteristic way of responding?
There are three methods which indicate emotionally immature behaviour (we might grade ourselves
on a scale of 1-10 according to our propensities). Firstly: we might sulk. That is, we simultaneously
get very upset while refusing to explain to the person who has upset us what the problem
might be. The insult to our pride and dignity feels too great. We are too internally fragile
to reveal that we have been knocked. We hope against hope that another person might simply
magically understand what they have done and fix it without us needing to speak – rather
as an infant who hasn’t yet mastered language might a hope a parent would spontaneously
enter their minds and guess what was ailing them.
Secondly: we might get furious. Another response is to get extremely, and disproportionately
angry with the disappointing person. Our fury may look powerful, but no one who felt powerful
would have any need for such titanic rage. Inside, we feel broken, at sea and bereft.
But our only way of reasserting control is to mimic an aggrieved emperor or taunted tiger.
Our insults and viciousness are, in their coded ways, admissions of terror and defencelessness.
Our pain is profoundly poignant; our manner of dealing with it a good deal sadder.
Thirdly: we might go cold. It takes a lot of courage to admit to someone who has hurt
us that we care, that they have a power over us, that a key bit of our life is in their
hands. It may be a lot easier to put up a strenuous wall of indifference. At precisely
the moment when we are most emotionally vulnerable to a loved one’s behaviour, we insist that
we haven’t noticed a slight and wouldn’t give a damn anyway. We may not simply be pretending:
remaining in touch with our wounds may have become conclusively intolerable. Not feeling
anything may have replaced the enormous threat of being fully alive. These three responses point us in turn to
the three markers of emotional maturity: Firstly, the Capacity to Explain. That is,
the power – simple to describe but a proper accomplishment in practice – to explain
why we are upset to the person who has upset us; to have faith that we can find the words,
that we are not pathetic or wretched for suffering in a given way and that, with a bit of luck,
we will find the words to make ourselves understood by someone whom we can remember, deep down,
even at this moment of stress, is not our enemy.
Secondly, the Capacity to stay Calm. The mature person knows that robust self-assertion is
always an option down the line. This gives them the confidence not to need to shout immediately,
to give others the benefit of every doubt and not to assume the worst and then hit back
with undue force. The mature like themselves enough not to suspect that everyone would
have a good reason to mock and slander them. Thirdly, the Capacity to be Vulnerable The
mature know, and have made their peace with the idea, that being close to anyone will
open them up to being hurt. They feel enough inward strength to possess a tolerable relationship
with their own weakness. They are unembarrassed enough by their emotional nakedness to tell
even the person who has apparently humiliated them that they are in need of help. They trust
– ultimately – that there is nothing wrong with their tears and that they have the right
to find someone who will know how to bear them.
In turn, these three traits belong to what we can call the three cardinal virtues of
emotional maturity: Communication, Trust and Vulnerability.
These three virtues were either gifted to us during a warm and nourishing childhood
or else we will need to learn them arduously as adults. This is akin to the difference
between growing up speaking a foreign language, and having to learn it over many months as
an adult. However, the comparison at least gives us an impression of the scale of the
challenge ahead of us. There is nothing to be ashamed of about our possible present ignorance.
At least half of us weren’t brought up in the land of emotional literacy. We may just
never have heard adults around us speaking an emotionally mature dialect. So we may – despite
our age – need to go back to school and spend 5 to 10,000 hours learning, with great
patience and faith, the beautiful and complex grammar of the language of emotional adulthood. our emotional barometer is a tool that can help us to more clearly explain our moods. Click the link on screen now to find out more.

100 comments on “How to Test Your Emotional Maturity

  1. The School of Life Post author

    Did you take the test? How did you do? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss our next film.

    Reply
  2. G-XTREME Post author

    I was at the point of no return with my dad, don't live with him and he has lot's of trouble emotionally, always stressed and always depressed or fake happy or angry and many other annoyances; I was pissed off by him always being like this despite him always asking and never taking my advice, so I just acted sarcastic the whole time I was spending with him, at some point he got angry and said he didn't like my attitude and if I wanted it would be the last time I see him. I just relaxed and ate my food and looked at my phone, after a while he made a bunch of angry threats of just leaving me at the mall and that he'd pay for my bus fare. I could've cared less, but then I told him with a straight face that I didn't hate him, that he was my dad and I wasn't wishing for him to go to hell, that I just wanted him to listen to me and repair his life, he started crying and that got me, after 5 minutes of apologies we made up and now we understand each other more than ever. I can safely say that I couldn't have been able to compose myself if I never got my own life together these past few years. If I could turn back time I would do everything all over again

    Reply
  3. Chris Simon Post author

    So either sulking anger or coldness

    I feel maturity comes from the ability to put the right response with the right situation.

    Your dad doesn't take you to a baseball game he said he would

    Sulking would probably be better than being furious or cold

    Nothing wrong with feeling sad about being let down, but anger isint really a good response and being cold sure isint a good response.

    Etc etc , theres just some places where reacting a certain way is undoubtly more appropriate than others.

    Being able to identify and react an in appropriate way made me a fuck ton happier.

    That's just my view on it though and understand people might not feel they have the capacity to do that.
    Or just plain don't want to.

    Reply
  4. Gustavo Borges Post author

    It gets me mad that this is right… And that i just dont want to care about it… I should change then…

    Reply
  5. Lillian Sahara Post author

    Okay so, serious question here. What if I don't know if I'm immature or mature? Right now I'm 17 and I do still tend to explode at people I'm angry at, sometimes not even noticing that they're taunting me, but a lot of adults (mainly my parents and some teachers) tell that I act mature because I tend to consider how someone else is feeling. I try to not offend someone els when we're having an argument, but I still feel the need to win that argument even though the other person is just taunting. So yeah, how do I know if I'm mature or not because I don't really trust my parents judgement , because, well, they're my parents and sometimes I feel like they're putting me on top of a pedestal, especially my mother, because I'm such a good, responsible, respectfull and obedient child.
    It has gotten so far as that they say (I don't even know if they're joking or not) that they're going to get me to supervise my own brothers if they go to a party so they don't do stupid things, note that my oldest brother is only 2 years younger than me.

    Reply
  6. GetJazzy Post author

    While the psychology and message behind this video is great, that wasn't what gripped me. These sentiments seem so profound because of the writing and the visuals and the narration are amazing. Wow. Stunning.

    Reply
  7. Naldrus Nabir Post author

    After getting sent to jail for going off on my mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive ex, I'm now in immersive therapy to help me overcome my rage as well as how to make myself less available to toxic people who might manipulate me.
    What happened to me may not have been my fault, but it is my responsibility to heal and grow past it.

    Reply
  8. Indrid cold Post author

    Emotional maturity is …. simply empathy in a nutshell Except I'm not emotionally mature I'm a total Goof like any other immature person.

    Reply
  9. Vapor Wave Kid Post author

    The blue one, are the ones that gets me pissed of, cause they have more pride than brazil got corrupted politicians

    Reply
  10. Jules Nemz Post author

    most often, if someone who is important in my life does something to hurt me, i spend a few days or a week dissecting the issue, deciding if they hurt me, or if i happened to get hurt. after this period i can reflect on what happened, and sometimes, it was just me being dumb, and the best thing to do is let it go, you know? sometimes you sleep on issues and realize they were never a problem in the first place. on the other hand, if something bugs me after a week, then i know it is an issue that truly needs to be communicated, and I will then have a conversation with the person who hurt me. am i the only one?

    Reply
  11. Michael Lamar Post author

    So now I realised that I'm pretty much imature. So… You guys should probably upload some tips to change it lol.

    Reply
  12. XxLuvroseXx Post author

    I never understood hurting someone back, I also never understood why adults don’t know how to use their words when they are hurt or expect someone to know how they are feeling without speaking. I’m 22 and I’ve learned a lot of people don’t feel the way I feel and actually think I’m stupid for not wanting to get someone back.

    Reply
  13. Deadly Orange Post author

    Hard 3. I will indifference you so hard I will forget about your existence in 4 days and a half of playing skyrim

    Reply
  14. RexXflash Post author

    I don't agree with this video. Who defines what emotional response is mature and what response isn't, it's all subjective to me and depends on the situation. Emotional maturity according to me is responding the right emotion to the right situation.

    Reply
  15. Santi Martín Post author

    Well, before watching this video I considered myself a mature person. Thanks to this now I know it to be right.

    Reply
  16. |KYE|SickHead Post author

    00:47 Hmm. Well last time i knocked her out and burned her eyes, thong, tendons and private areas, it's just a personal preference but i would recommend it anyway, it's really fulfilling.

    Or you can just smoke some pot and let it slide… Depends on the deception really.

    Reply
  17. Eddie Adams Post author

    This is nice, if the person doesn't have a character disorder. Can you educate the public on these kinds of interactions when encountering that person, especially since this can happen in social circles, friendships, love and work?

    Reply
  18. Anime is Garbage Post author

    I feel like this is way too broad, I can't think of situations in recent where a conflict so linear has crossed me and the solutions followed suite, maybe when I was a child crying over and explaining that I'm sad about a toy, but in the later stages of life the problems are far more complex using these basic ideas as mere building blocks, and you must respond in similar fashion with a string of replies where again, you use these basic solutions as building blocks to form the final answer. Sometimes the answer is a combination of keeping your distance and talking it out, and the problem plays a factor in the answer as well, sometimes you are forced not to speak at all.

    Reply
  19. Allieloops Post author

    I'm good with controlling my emotions and communicating in a direct fashion onto others on what my perspective is on a matter, but I don't believe I will ever reach the level where I have "enough inner strength to unveil my emotional nakedness" in front of anyone else.

    I don't really understand how being vulnerable is supposed to be some kind of achievement to emotional maturity. I'm not really strong enough to take that chance to open up or whatnot.

    Reply
  20. Dark Rajang Post author

    Personally I've always seen emotional maturity as being like a sailor and your emotions are the wind. You have to know which way the winds blowing to keep sailing. Otherwise your gonna struggle your whole life for a pointless reason.

    Reply
  21. Bruised Champions Post author

    First, I would try and figure out the other person's point of view while also giving feedback and advice. Then I will try and find a solution to both of our problems, or I'll simply just apologize for giving so much of my time and realize that maybe I should continue the journey of finding myself…instead of trying to help someone else who clearly isn't worth my time.
    There is no need to cry or sop about it because deep down inside you should know you did nothing wrong. And if you did (or so you may think) don't beat yourself up about it because this is life.
    It's a learning process.
    No one should have so much power over you that you want to disclude yourself from the rest of the world…
    And that you grow cold…fearing that everyone is like that… When its really not the case…
    I've been there before…
    You just gotta go out there and learn more about culture, discover new people, or even just by investing in yourself.
    Self-doubt, self-harm … Shouldn't be the case.
    Realize that we are humans… Different childhoods, lead to different emotions, leads to different opinions, leads to different habits, and to different lifestyles…
    No one will ever understand your point of view… But as humanity shapes itself, there will be that one in lifetime type of person that will understand you… And that person is going to shape and change you and your life. Because that's what God plans for it to become.
    There will always be someone out there…meant to be for you, that might create and inspire you.
    But you have to learn to love yourself first.
    There is a reason you might be broken and took advantage for so many times… Its to show you your true worth… Don't give someone your all when they can't achieve the expectations in return.
    Family, friends, significant other…
    Don't become cold hearted…
    But don't become so invested in someone that you tend to lose yourself… Because then you will question yourself, your existence…
    Don't give someone your energy… When you can't realize how precious your time, your worth, your energy, and your time really is.
    And don't take someone else for granted when they have shown appreciation and interest towards you and your life.
    You are incredible…
    Don't bash yourself or others…
    As long as you love yourself enough while at the same time trying to understand others… But more importantly trying to bring peace into the world itself by investing in culture, and even more so of your own culture and your roots…
    You will find acceptance.
    Because sometimes things are… What it is…
    People change… People learn…
    Accept it… But don't ever change for someone else.
    This is your book….write a fucking fantastic one.

    Reply
  22. erick reyes Post author

    Now See, I love this video. My toxic trait would be me shutting down but that's because I don't want to argue with someone that I care about. Or if I feel like I'm not recieving the same energy I'll shut down or put my walls up or simply walk away. Or at least I try too, I'm still human🤷🏻‍♂️ My Last relationship was a dozey for me. The whole thing was mindboggling. We pretty much had a different perspective on our relationship. But ultimately I don't think she really knew me or really understood me but that's fine too. Life is crazy…🙃

    Reply
  23. Fit’s Son Post author

    I’ve been watching YouTube for 10 years, and this is the first video I have ever disliked.

    We have emotions for a reason. They are beneficial to our survival. If someone helps you, you love them. If someone screws your over, you try to disassociate yourself (“go cold” as this video said) so you don’t get screwed over again.

    Don’t say “if you forgive people who screw you over, then you are mature” because that is not maturity, it is stupidity.

    Reply
  24. Cicolas Nage Post author

    knew i was already, but some more confirmation is always nice.
    also people who throw tantrums/react angrily, fuck you and fuck off.

    Reply
  25. Dreamxiety Post author

    Me: Sees the video title popped up in my recommendations, then clicking the video to find out
    Also me: I'm not emotionally matured enough for this

    Reply
  26. Kai'Sa Post author

    i had a very immature friend she made me feel like i was baby sitting , i had to be considerate and nice all the time , and she had very low self esteem so i had to reassure her … that wasn't me am not that caring and also i have my own internal issues to fix , so one day i asked her to fix her behavior , she got upset and sulked for days , i left her there and until now i never went back to fix things .

    Reply
  27. Vanlalchhanhima Vanchhawng Post author

    Thks. I'll explain or speak out my disappointment before sucking it up then pressure hissing , turning into hulk

    Reply
  28. webba03 Post author

    I find it hard to act like an adult since people still treat me like a child. I feel as if i’d disrespect them if i i act differently to their expectations of me. I can be emotionally mature, but i hate being disrespectful, so i simply don’t even try. I’m open for advice on how to deal with this, as well as criticism.

    Reply
  29. Cranberry Post author

    The ultimate compliment ever is "i expected more of u, uve dissaponted me". N disapointing someone is the worst way 2 insult someone

    Reply
  30. awhislyle Post author

    It seems as if a part of this video is missing, its like you set up the premise and then never actually resolved it. I feel I better understand signs of emotional maturity or immaturity but I don't know how this knowledge is supposed to help me "test" such a thing.
    This video reminded me of like working on a paper for school for a really long time, where you have all of the relevant arguments, points of discussion, and logical connections in your head so when you read it you think it presents a strong argument then when you get the paper back two weeks later and re-read it you realize you actually left out necessary facts or arguments that you had so ingrained in your head at the time of writing that you didn't realize you actually didn't write them into the paper.

    Reply
  31. Andrew Snyder Post author

    I used to be extremely immature in the fashion that I would get unreasonably mad at time (it runs in the family, so it was extra hard to fix in myself and I still struggle with it) and oddly enough it all changed a little over a year ago when I tried to kill myself. It didn't happen all at once, but over the course of a few months I just went "What the fuck are you doing dude? You got so angry with life that you decide to fucking quit?"
    Moral of the story: You can grow from any mistake you make/there can be a silver-lining to everything you do.

    Reply
  32. Sonatathesunwings arts Post author

    Its hard to follow when you cant relate…
    I feel so empty, ive lost emotion over the years.

    Reply
  33. Nature Kit Post author

    Just a question. This is always a hot topic with emotional maturity. Does it matter if you have a mental illness that effects your ability to fulfill one or several of the emotionally mature ones?

    Reply
  34. Vinylworks. c Post author

    Mature people are able to put their selves in other peoples shoes before coming up with a anwser or comment

    Reply
  35. Zac Stevenson Post author

    After watching this video I called my Mum and tried to break down the imaginary wall that I had built up between us! Then I sat down with my Father and talked about what I actually want to do with my life moving forward.

    Just kidding, I did none of that. But I really do want to, I just can't stand being vulnerable. Which shows my emotional maturity I guess. I know I should, and I know that would resolve a lot of my issues I currently face. However, it's just hard. I know the only way is to "just do it". But it's like looking down at an edge of a cliff about to do a bungee jump, except you don't have people peer pressuring you/motivating to just do it, you're the only one there, and taking that jump alone is damn frightening.

    Reply
  36. victor graham Post author

    By this standard introverts could be seen as emotionally childish. Since they come off as cold to everything

    Reply
  37. Alan Gonzalez Post author

    Guys I tested my emotional maturity today, I ended up hitting 100% and used my psychic powers to destroy entire buildings. My bad.

    Reply
  38. Insert name here Post author

    Is it weird that when I try to imagine how I'd feel, my response to them is indifferent, not like cold where you pretend to be indifferent. Like I actually wouldn't care, I dont really think I've responded in any of those ways before. I just dont care and move on.

    Reply
  39. Tanner Man Post author

    So basically what this video is telling me is that I’m 90-100% emotionally mature and my ex is literally an emotion child.
    I wish I saw this video a year and a half ago!

    Reply
  40. treymtz Post author

    I think the best learning tool we have for teaching emotional maturity outside of finding that figure in our lives is great witten characters of fiction. Tv shows, movies, video games, anime, books, ect. There exist countless of characters that have both strengths and weakness. However, not many will dive deep into their weakness and admit that's something they struggle with publicly in a vulnerable state. Finding a well executed emotionally mature/maturing character can really resonate with a lot of young people in a way adults in their real lives often don't simple because it's not something you think about in person, whereas that's the main draw of certain fictional characters.

    Reply
  41. Unknown021 Post author

    Emotional maturity is in my eyes accepting that life is the way it is and that death is comign for us all

    Accepting it brings confidence and the ability to take risks on things you would otherwise be too scared to, acceptance and understanding is true maturity

    Reply
  42. Олесь Тесленко Post author

    Google, youtube and our devices are tracking, collecting and accumulating information about us. They are giving us the answers on the questions we google for weeks ago, questions we ask on forums, results of our tests – all the answers are appearing in the recommendations sooner or later . Always. Month by month

    Reply
  43. Supremelol007 Not_telling_you Post author

    My emotional maturity is like 99/10 since i never cry or get enraged, trusted, helped and resisted everything

    Reply
  44. kjullien Post author

    That's a really idealistic way of viewing things. Some people on this planet do not have good intentions. And if you're unlucky you might end up living your life mostly with these kind of people around you. What good would it then do to :
    1. explain what they did wrong when they know what they did and might be doing it because they know how it makes you feel
    2. staying calm is the only one I agree with, its pretty much self-explanatory, why escalate further
    3. again, showing an actor with bad intent your "vulnerability" might be the worse thing you can do in my opinion in a world driven by power and greed (capitalism), why would you openly expose yourself to potential psychological exploitation ?
    What kind of teletubbies philosophy is this ? The only way these points would be valid is if you have unmitigated trust in the person in front of you, which is very rare.

    Reply
  45. Leo Nardo Post author

    Emotionally maturity is when you can pull out your dick in public and do the helicopter clock wise and counter clock wise

    Reply

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