“Hot People Are Amazing at Therapy” – Emily Heller: Ice Thickeners – Full Special


– The idea of this
event is really simple. I just thought with
everything that’s happening in the world with Trump
and Harvey Weinstein, and God, who’s that
guy who looks like he’s wearing a kids
size fake beard? James Toback, just
anyway, with all of that, I just thought, I don’t wanna
tell my jokes to men anymore, so I’m doing a special
that is no men allowed. The idea of liberating my
comedy from the male gaze, it’s just so freeing to me. To create this safe space
full of just amazing women and non binary people, how
do you take that electricity, that singular alchemy out
of the room after tonight? I mean, it’s the question
that every stand up special tries to answer,
which is how do you capture lightening in a bottle? And then once you get the
lightening in that bottle, how do you then keep
men out of the bottle? Not only do I not
want men at the show, I also don’t want
them to watch it ever. You know how they did those (phone dinging) Wonder Woman
screenings that were… Is it okay if we actually hold? ‘Cause I have to make a
quick family emergency related phone call
that’s not about this. – [Woman] Yeah. – Yeah. What do you mean? Well, how many
tickets have we sold? Well, what the **** do
the woman of Seattle have to do tonight
that’s better than this? Well, what are you suggesting? (inhaling deeply) No, it’s fine. It’s fine. I love you. Sorry about that. And action. (beeping) – [Woman] Emily, why did
you change your mind? – Why did I change my mind? I just thought that as
wonderful as it would have been to cultivate this
space for women, wouldn’t it do more good
to give men the opportunity to come learn from my ideas, give men the opportunity to
get these two for one tickets? They would come and they
would see me in charge with a microphone, a woman,
that is the real safe space. So that’s the reason, and
that’s the real reason. (upbeat music) (Keep On Livin’ by Le Tigre) ♪ You hide inside, so not okay ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ What if you
remember more today? ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ The phone rings but
there’s too much to say ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ You tell them to go when
you wish they would stay ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ You gotta keep
on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ You gotta keep
on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ You gotta keep on – [Announcer] Please
put your hands together for Emily Heller. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) – Oh my God, oh,
thank you so much. Oh! Seattle, thank you so
much for coming out. All right, that’s
enough, that’s enough. Oh my gosh, it’s so
great to be here. I see some men
here, that’s fine. (audience laughing) Either you must be a
little confused right now, ’cause for so long I
didn’t want you to come and then at the last
minute, I was like, actually, I think I
might need you here. And for you, that must
have been confusing, like am I really welcome? The reason why I know that is ’cause that’s how all women
feel in every workplace. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) So, now you guys know. Thank you so much
for being here. I don’t know if you can
tell from my glasses or everything about me,
but I’m not thrilled with the president right now. (audience laughing) Imagine if I looked like
this and I was stoked. (audience laughing) What would my deal be? What an interesting
person that would make me. I wish I was that interesting. I’m not, I’m just another
sad, boring, liberal. (audience laughing) I kind of think Donald Trump is like the Air Bud
of American politics. But I also think Air Bud was
the villain of that movie. (audience laughing) Right, because
imagine for a moment that you are one of the kids
on the other basketball team. You’re one of the kids
who has to play basketball against a golden retriever
in front of your parents. (audience laughing) You’re just a kid who
loves basketball, right? You’ve been
practicing basketball. You know the rules
of basketball. You showed up to
the gym that day expecting to play another
child at basketball. (audience laughing) That was Hillary Clinton, right? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) She was just like, Put me in
coach, for the last 20 years, and we finally did,
and as soon as we did, this ****in’ fluffy dog who
has not business on the court comes running out,
distracting everybody. He doesn’t know the rules,
he can’t know the rules. (audience laughing) He is a dog. He’s traveling like
crazy, where’s the ref? And everyone’s just fine with it because there’s nothing
in the rule book that says a pumpkin headed
racist can’t be president. Let’s write more rules
maybe, how about that? That seems like a
pretty obvious fix. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Also, I should say, I
have not seen Air Bud. (audience laughing) But I feel like I pieced it
together pretty well, don’t you? I did write that joke
before the election, when this was all
still funny to me. I mean, that joke
is still funny, but everything else
is a waking nightmare. (audience laughing) It’s a very weird
time to be a comedian, or an alive person,
just generally. But as a comedian, I definitely
feel this palpable pressure to have something comforting,
or at least coherent to say to you about what’s
happening in the world. And I don’t, I’m
sorry, I got nothin’. I’ve been performing in a lot of other better countries recently. (audience laughing) You know, I can
tell those people are not there for joke so
much as an explanation. (audience laughing) I did some shows in Australia
right after inauguration and I did an interview
with a newspaper there to try and get people to
come and see me perform. It didn’t work. (audience laughing) And the only question the
interviewer asked me was, what’s it like to make
jokes about President Trump? And that was the
first time I had heard those two words
together, so my response to this reporter was
I started crying. (audience laughing) Just on the phone with
an Australian stranger. Not one of my travel tips,
if you ever go there. Because it’s not funny to
me, it’s still not funny. And I understand why
people sometimes make jokes when they’re right in the
middle of a terrible situation. I get that impulse, I used
to live in New York before I moved to LA, I used to
ride the subway all the time. Very often when you’re riding
the subway in New York, it’ll stop underground
in between stations. You have no idea how long
you’re gonna be there. People get stressed out,
tense, claustrophobic. So I always liked
to used to break the tension with a little joke. I’d be like, I mean, I know
it’s not the express train, but this is
ridiculous, right guys? (audience laughing) And they’d be like, oh my god, that’s so funny,
are you a comedian? (audience laughing) And I would say, yes,
a very famous one. And then the train
would start up again, we’d all get uptown like
we knew we were going to. So I get it, I get making jokes when you’re in a bad situation. This doesn’t feel
exactly like that, right? This doesn’t feel like we’re
just stopped momentarily but we’re definitely getting
to the station eventually. This feels more like
we all got on a train that we thought
was going uptown. And instead of stopping,
it very suddenly started going 800 miles an hour. (audience laughing) We’re not even in Manhattan
anymore, we are off roading it. We are just plowing through
a SeaWorld in New Jersey. Kids are diving out of the way. We’ve impaled an orca whale
that was about to be released into the wild after
17 years in captivity. Because we all saw Blackfish
and we’re makin’ some changes. But not soon enough,
because she is dead now and we are just dragging
this whale carcass behind this runaway subway car. And me and all my friends
on the train are horrified, and we’re looking around at
the other passengers like, Can you guys believe this shit? And they have their backs
to us, but then their heads spin around like
they’re in The Exorcist. (audience laughing) And they’re like,
oh, we actually like the new train conductor,
he says what he thinks. (audience laughing) And I’m like, Okay, but
he’s not a train conductor, he’s a human toilet, he’s
a toilet that a witch put a spell on and
now it can talk. I’d rather have an engineer
in charge or something. And they’re like, No,
no, no, it’s better with a human toilet, it’s
about time this train ran more like a
haunted bathroom. (audience laughing) I’m like, what’s going
on, where are we? Are they’re like, Oh, you’re
in real America now, bitch. I hope you like
staying pregnant. (audience laughing) I know, and then before I can
even say anything to that, there’s a horrible
screeching noise because the runaway subway
car that we’re all on has found its way
onto the tracks of the rollercoaster
at SeaWorld. And it has ground to
a halt, upside down, at the top of the loppty loop, and that’s where
we are right now. (audience laughing) We’re not stopped underground
at in midtown headed to the Upper West
Side, we are dangling from a ****ing
rollercoaster in Hoboken and we don’t know if we’re
gonna stop off and drop to our deaths or finish the loop and slam into a
children’s hospital. (audience laughing) We don’t know. It doesn’t end good either way. And no one can see what’s
about to happen because the outside of the train car
is still coated in orca blood, so everyone is real quiet. ‘Cause they’re just listening
to see if they can hear what’s about to happen, and it
just doesn’t feel appropriate for me to break the
silence to be like, they call it
SeaWorld, but I can’t see anything, can you guys? (audience laughing) You might be relieved, I guess,
if you’re a Trump supporter who found their way
in here somehow. If that’s the case, all that
I ask is that at no point do you make that known
to me in any way. (audience laughing) If you would be so kind. But you know what,
congratulations on
bucking the stereotype and showing up to hear a
woman talk for an hour. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) I would be genuinely
impressed with your nuance if
that’s what happened. I’m not that nuanced myself,
I’m very predictable. I am in therapy,
anyone else in therapy? (audience cheering) Yeah! Some people here know
they’re not perfect, a few of you in deep denial. (audience laughing) I think everyone
should be in therapy, everyone should be in therapy. Don’t do it for yourself,
do it for your friends. (audience cheering) They don’t wanna hear
that shit anymore. If you think you
don’t need therapy, here’s what I want you to do. Tell your best friend that
you’re thinking about it, see how relieved they look. (audience laughing) That’s all I’m saying. You don’t have to be
on the brink of despair to go into therapy, I’m
a pretty happy person. I’m a pretty happy person. Sometimes I think I’m depressed, but then usually I just
need to take my bra off. (audience laughing) It’s like, oh,
that’s what that was. I’m a happy person in
therapy, which I recommend. Because I walk in
there confident. I walk in there with the
confidence that I imagine people who floss have when
they go to the dentist. (audience laughing) I’m speculating. Just like, we’re probably not gonna find anything, but
let’s take a look, huh? (audience laughing) I don’t think I’m going
to therapy to get better so much as I am just
waiting for the day when my therapist tells me
I’m her favorite client. (audience laughing) That’s all I want. I just wanna show up on
day and have her say, Listen, I can’t take
your money anymore. Do you wanna just hangout? (audience laughing) I’ll tell you about
my other patients. As your prize for
being the least crazy. I don’t think that’s
too much to ask for. I’m tryin’ real
hard, I’m suckin’ up, I do all the good
therapy things, like, I cry every week
right at the beginning. Just to let her know I mean
business, I came here to work. Crying is the best thing
you can do in therapy and I do it every
week right at the top, that’s like starting a
song with a guitar solo. (audience laughing) It’s the Carlos Santana
smooth of therapy moves. (audience cheering) (audience laughing) Featuring Rob Thomas. And yeah, that’s
an old reference, but write a song that rocks
harder and I’ll update it. (audience laughing) I really thought I was nailin’
it and then a friend of mine told me that she made her
therapist cry recently. (audience laughing) I know, I was like,
****, I gotta step it up. Do you like your therapist? – [Woman] I do. – You do, why do you
like your therapist? – [Woman] She actually
says things in therapy. – She actually says
things in therapy? You are holding her to
such a low standard. (audience laughing) It doesn’t matter what she says,
I just like that she talks. How did you find your therapist? – Actually, it was through a
referral of another therapist. – It was through a referral
of another therapist. That’s the perfect answer,
that’s the only way to go. Some people say
they get a referral from their friend,
you can’t do that. First of all, which
friend do you ask? It’s gotta be someone
who’s visibly improved in the time you’ve known them. (audience laughing) ‘Cause otherwise,
how do you know? But then you can’t go to the
same therapist as your friend. I’ve tried that
before, it didn’t work. The whole time I just
wanted to be like, Let me tell you what
Kim’s real problem is. (audience laughing) I know that bitch is not
being honest with you. (audience laughing) I did what you did, I got a
referral from another therapist. ‘Cause I didn’t wanna use Yelp. The one thing I know about
people who leave Yelp reviews is that they have not
received effective therapy. (audience laughing) I got some referrals, I went
to their websites thinking maybe the websites will
help me chose between them. Their websites, it turns out,
were all basically identical. They all had the exact
same qualifications, the exact same
mission statement. No one was out there
being like, I dropped out of middle school and I’m
gonna make you crazy. (audience laughing) It was basically the same. There was no dancing baby gifs to help me definitely
pick that one. (audience laughing) The only difference I actually
found website to website was their picture, so
that is how I chose. (audience laughing) I don’t feel good about
it, I didn’t have a choice. I became as shallow as the men I am going to therapy
to talk about. ‘Cause here’s what’s
****ed up, you guys. I went with the pretty
blonde lady therapist. Yeah, my natural enemy,
why would I do that? That doesn’t even make
any earthly sense. How is she gonna
understand my problems? I’m gonna be like, I’m
afraid he’s gonna leave me. I don’t know what that is. (audience laughing) Sometimes I think I
might not deserve love. God, it’s like you’re
speakin’ Chinese over here. (audience laughing) But it turns out, it was
actually a great call. Hot people are
amazing at therapy. Because there is
nothing I feel guilty complaining to her about,
because I just assume her life is better than mine. The last thing I
want is a therapist who’s gonna put my
problem in perspective. (audience laughing) I don’t wanna think for a second that my life is going
better than my therapist’s. If I walked in there and my
therapist had an eye patch on or a peg leg, I’d just be like, You know what, I’m good,
I’m gonna walk it off. We got bigger questions
we need to answer, such is why is this
pirate a therapist now? What’s goin’ on
in their industry that they’re fallin’
back on their MFTs? This economy is really
effecting everyone. That is a joke, but the
other day my therapist had a bandaid on and I was
like, Should we cancel? (audience laughing) I am a pretty predictable person
though, I am a vegetarian which of course
means that people like to argue with me a lot. That’s the main
thing that means. That’s something
about me that people really don’t like,
and that makes me sad. I wish they’d take the
time to get to know me. I think they’d realize there are a lot of other things about
me that are much worse. (audience laughing) The fact that I’m
annoying about food is actually one of
my better qualities. And I don’t talk about it. I mean, I realize
I brought it up almost immediately tonight,
but you have to believe me, offstage I do not talk
about it because I’ve heard the feedback from
you meat eaters and that feedback
was shut the fuck up. (audience laughing) And I’ve heard you,
I’ve internalized that, I’ve shut the fuck up,
but there’s the thing. Sometimes when people hear
me order at a restaurant or something, they find
out I don’t eat meat, they actually have a lot
of questions about it, and that’s confusing to
me because on the one hand I know I’m supposed
to shut the fuck up, but then on the other
hand I usually answer direct questions that
are asked to my face. It’s this weird thing about me. And I’m tired of that happening, so what I decided to do
is I’m just gonna answer all the questions
onstage, right now, so no one has to
ask them ever again. There’s only three questions
that people usually ask, it’s the same three
questions all the time. The first question
people always ask is why, and that’s personal,
but I’ll tell you. My reasons are probably the
same as everyone else’s. I just love farting. (audience laughing) I love to fart, vegetarianism
makes that possible for me. I don’t know if
the meat was acting like some kind of cork,
I’m not a scientist. (audience laughing) But it’s working out. The second question
people always ask is, where do you get your protein? Like that’s not a creepy thing to ask someone you barely know. (audience laughing) That is not information
that I owe you. I don’t think I’d mind
that question so much, it’s just that no one who’s ever asked me that has been healthy. It’s never people
with a gym membership who are asking me
where I get my protein. It’s always people who only know where they get their
protein and don’t know where they get any of
their other nutrients. And I’ll answer that
question, but I don’t like to, ’cause the honest answer is I get my protein
from hemp powder. I don’t like
telling people that. (audience laughing) Because if there’s one thing
I know is more annoying than someone talking
about being a vegetarian, it is a white person explaining
the many uses of hemp. (audience laughing) I don’t know which conversation I wanna be in less, honestly. And then the last
question people ask, it’s always a hypothetical. I think to try and figure out
exactly what it would take to get me to eat meat again, they all think they’re
gonna crack it. It’s always like,
okay, but like, what if you were in the woods
and you had no food, would you eat a deer? I’m always like, what
are you planning? That is the most
terrifying question I’ve ever heard and multiple
people have asked me that. And of course the answer
is yes, I would eat a deer, but can we maybe back up,
just like a couple steps and talk about how I ended up in the woods without
my cellphone? (audience laughing) That doesn’t sound like me. Something big went wrong
and I don’t understand why we’re just
glossing right over it and getting to these
pretty unimportant questions about my new life. (audience laughing) Also, just to clarify,
in this scenario, I’m athletic enough to
hunt and kill a deer. (audience laughing) Fuck yeah, I’m
eatin’ that thing. This is a parallel universe
we’re talking about. I’m not even sure morality
exists on the planet you just described because
I know gravity doesn’t. (audience laughing) I’ll let you guys all
in on a little secret, it does not take that much
to get me to eat meat again. It really doesn’t, all you
have to do is put the pepperoni under the cheese and
not tell me about it. (audience laughing) Not only will I eat it, I
will spend the next month talking about how
that’s the best pizza I’ve ever had in my entire life. (audience laughing) Cannot put my finger on why. I know I need to work out more
than the zero I have been. It’s very hard for
me to motivate though because as soon as I put on
workout clothes, I feel done. (audience laughing) I’m already cos playing
as an exerciser. (audience laughing) I don’t need to take the
fantasy any further than that. The only reason why I wanna
workout is so my pants will fit. If you get me in
spandex, we did it. (audience laughing) Mission accomplished. Plus, once I’m wearing
workout clothes, I never wanna leave the house. ‘Cause I know how I look in
them, it’s an indoor look. Don’t get me wrong, I know
I have a beautiful body, I just kind of think
only fit people can look good in
workout clothes. It’s a broken system,
there’s no way in for me. (audience laughing) And it’s not because
they’re hotter than me, we all know they aren’t. It’s just that only fit people look self actualized when
they’re wearing workout clothes. You see a person in
workout clothes, you think, oh, she’s doing what she
wants to do with her life. You see me in workout
clothes, it’s just like, oh, someone had a talk with her. (audience laughing) Probably a doctor. Everyday is January 2nd
for me in workout clothes. I cannot look like I’m
having a good time. And I don’t like the
idea that someone might be looking at me
wearing them thinking, oh, she’s trying
to better herself. So that’s why when I do workout, I just wear a hospital gown. (audience laughing) ‘Cause I don’t want
people to think that I’m trying
to better myself, I want them to think I’m
already beating the odds. I think in a true sign
of the apocalypse, I joined a gym last year. I joined for what
I actually think is a pretty unusual reason. I joined because
at the age of 31, I was diagnosed with
attention deficit disorder. Maybe soon I’ll
get my braces off, get my period, who knows. (audience laughing) But I’ve been reading more
about it, in short spurts. (audience laughing) And it turns out that
one of the things that is supposed to really help with ADHD is regular exercise,
which was devastating news. (audience laughing) Because I know empirically
I will not workout for the sake of my
body, but it turns out I will give it a
go for my brain. My brain’s very important to me, it’s where all my
Tweets come from. (audience laughing) My brain gives me gifts
my body never has. The other day my brain
gave me a new theme song for the TV show Frasier,
but it’s set to the tune of the theme song for
the TV show friends. Don’t worry, I am gonna sing it. So it’s like, ♪ So no one told you
were Dr. Fraser Crane ♪ ♪ Your job is talking on
the phone to the insane ♪ ♪ It’s like you’re always
stuck in second Cheers. ♪ (audience laughing) So you see. Okay, okay, good,
so you guys see why I need to keep
this thing at 100%. For your sake. So I joined a gym, my
gym membership came with a free personal
training session. And I was like, oh, well
that sounds like that sucks. But I also don’t know
how to do anything there ’cause I’ve never
been to a gym before, so I was like, maybe
I’ll just use that time to learn how to use the machines
without bonking my head, and then I’ll never have to
talk to another human being at the gym for the
rest of my life. And I told him that
plan when I got there, and it wasn’t him, because
I didn’t get to choose. And he was like, I totally
get it, but first we do need to do a questionnaire
about your fitness goals. And I was like, Oh, I feel
like it should be clear from that last thing I said that I do not have
fitness goals. My fitness goal was to join a
gym, and I did that already, so I kind of feel like taking
the rest of the year off, if I’m being perfectly honest. And he was like, it’s
not that big of a deal. All you have to
do is just tell me what it is you’re hoping
to get out of this. And I was like, Okay, I
guess I would like to improve my posture, my stamina,
my general energy level. And he goes, Okay, great,
and your goal weight? And I was like,
Oh, not applicable. And he was like, You
don’t wanna lose weight? And I was like, No, I do not. And he got this look on
his face that told me that what he was thinking
was, but I can see you. (audience laughing) But here’s the thing you
guys, I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t trying to be snarky or cram my feminism
down his throat. I’m genuinely not
interested in losing weight. That’s not why I walked
in there that day. Nothing against you if
that’s something you want. I think I used to want
that when I was younger, and then what happened
was I gained 40 pounds and then I started
making a lot of money and having a lot of sex. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) And okay… I’m not saying the weight
is why that happened, but I also don’t wanna jinx it. (audience laughing) And what would I stand to gain by getting skinny at this point? Just being too hungry to
enjoy the money and the sex. I’m trying to buy some butter
and lick it off a dude. (audience laughing) So I don’t wanna lose weight. And he goes, but, what
are your fitness goals? I was like, posture,
stamina, energy. I’m committing to it now. And he goes, And you
don’t wanna lose weight? And I was like, No, I do not. And he goes, but you have to be specific with me about
your fitness goals. I was like, Oh, I’m
sorry, leg posture. (audience laughing) Butt stamina, hand energy,
is that specific enough? I have ADHD, I really can’t
sit here that much longer. And he goes, Okay, but
like, looking in the mirror, there’s nothing
you wanna change? I was like, I don’t know, maybe the person I’m
talking to right now. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) He goes, Let me put it this
way, if you lost weight, would that be okay with you? And at that point,
it was clear to me that he was not gonna let me
leave there until I admitted to him that I was Slimer
from the Ghostbusters. So I decided to
throw him a bone. I was like, Okay, I guess
ever since I put on weight, I’ve got a little bit
more meat in my neck. It’s made breathing a little
bit harder than it used to be from certain angles when
I’m lying down on the couch. (audience laughing) I guess if that improved,
I’d be fine with it. And you guys, he
looked so relieved. He just like, Okay, so we
wanna lose some weight. And he wrote it down,
and the quiz was over. Isn’t that crazy? I’m still so mad
about it, you know? I’m not mad at him, he
was just doin’ his job. I’m just mad at me, ’cause
I missed an opportunity to just walk in
there and be like, Oh yeah, my goal weight,
this plus like 500. (audience laughing) Yeah, I wanna gain 500 pounds, but I only wanna
gain it from here up. (audience laughing) I wanna be like a perfect
circle, no neck, neck gone. Just a perfect circle,
same size legs. That part’s really important. Basically what I’m saying
is I wanna look like the sexy green M&M, can you
make that happen for me? (audience cheering) I will not be happy until
you can roll me out of here Willy Wonka style, and if you
can’t make that happen for me, I will find a gym that
can, maybe a Curves. Maybe a Curve
singular, ’cause I do just wanna be the one curve,
real women have curve. (audience laughing) A lot of times when I tell that
story. I can tell there are people
in the audience who feel bad for me, and I need you to
know I don’t need that. Don’t do that, I need you
to know something you guys. I am immune to body
shame, I don’t know why. I think it might
be a side effect of being immune to all
other kinds of shame. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Someone said to my face the
other day, you look tired. And I was not offended at all. I was just like, Oh, yeah,
that is accurate, I am tired. I’ve actually been
tired everyday since
I was 14 years old. Yeah, I wake up tired,
I got to bed tired, I get middle of the day tired. I probably get tired
while I’m sleeping, I just don’t know about it. (audience laughing) Obviously the fact
that you’re telling me that I look tired to
you, all that tells me is that at some point
in our relationship I didn’t look tired to you, and I don’t know how
I pulled that off. That’s incredible, this
is not an insult today. This is just a
compliment that took a few months to get here. (audience laughing) But better late than never, I’m not a go getter
either, take your time. I think I’m trying
to be more okay with other people’s rudeness so that I can in turn
be rude to others. I’m being the change I
want to see in the world. (audience laughing) Because the world is
ending, we don’t got time. I don’t have time for
politeness anymore. I don’t have time
for small talk. I don’t have time
for icebreakers. I’m only interested in
ice thickeners right now. Global warming,
we need it, right? An icebreaker is like, Oh,
when did you get married? And ice thickener is like,
Oh, why did you get married? (audience laughing) Don’t act like you’re
not more interested in the answer to that question. It’s a better question, why
am I not allowed to ask that? I know when you got married. I’m on Facebook, I’ve looked
at all the pictures already. The whole point of us
talking face to face is so that you can
tell me the shit you’re not allowed
to put online. Did you think you were pregnant? (audience laughing) That’s all I wanna know. Are there any
parents here tonight? (audience applauding) A few, a few tired claps. How many kids do you have? – [Woman] One. – One, how old is your kid? – [Woman] Nine
and a half months. – Nine and a half months,
and it’s going good? – Yeah, yeah, he
actually sleeps. – He actually sleeps, okay. I like that that’s
people’s answers for like, It’s going well, sometimes
they’re unconscious. (audience laughing) Just objectively, a bad hobby
is when it’s going well, you’re not really doing
it, you know what I mean? I’m sorry, I’m not very natural
at crowd work about children because I’m not
interested in them. (audience laughing) I don’t wanna be a
mom, is that clear? I don’t wanna be a mom, I do really wanna
be a grandma though. Is there a way I can
make that happen? Do I need to adopt
a pregnant teenager? Put me on the list. I just feel like being a grandma is the only way I’m ever
gonna be considered cool. Like, I’m not cool now,
I shush people for fun. (audience laughing) I love rules, I love bedtime,
I don’t really go to parties. When I do, I smoke a little
bit of pot, I go home at 9:00. But here’s the thing,
if you’re a grandma and you do that, that’s
pretty cool, right? (audience laughing) That’s a cool grandma,
you see what I’m saying? That’s a low bar, I
can clear that bar. That rule doesn’t
apply to moms though. It’s a double standard. If you’re at a party and
a mom starts rapping, everybody’s like, Shut up, Mom! (audience laughing) But if a grandma starts
rapping, you’re like, Oh shit! (audience laughing) That’s about to pop off. It’s not fair, if you’re a mom, you’re not allowed
to just quit your job and cover your body in tattoos,
and drop a bunch of molly, and go on a fuck
rampage across Italy. (audience laughing) But if you’re a grandma
and you do that, you get a book deal. (audience laughing) How is that fair? A mom gets arrested, a grandma, Hellen Mirren plays
her in the movie. (audience laughing) What kind of fucked up curse
is that where not until your kid has a kid do
you get to do cool shit. No wonder your parents want you to give them grandkids so bad. No wonder they love
those grandkids more than their own children, they’re the ones
who broke the curse. (audience laughing) And set them free to
go fuck Italian guys. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Glad you guys all
enjoyed picturing your parents fucking
an Italian guy. You wanna hear something weird? You guys were all picturing
the exact same Italian guy. I don’t know how I know that. (audience laughing) I do have a boyfriend which is
fine. (audience laughing) It’s fine, it didn’t fix it. I mean, everyone acted
like that was gonna fix it. It didn’t fix it, it’s fine. There are some things that are better about being
in a relationship. Seesaws. (audience laughing) Oh my god, so much better
with another person. That is like night and day. And that’s it. (audience laughing) No, sex is good
with another person. But it was pretty good
when it was just me. I’m not gonna act like
that wasn’t tight. I knocked it out, you
guys, sometimes still do. We got any masturbators here? (audience cheering) Thanks for takin’ a
break, comin’ out. (audience laughing) I appreciate your sacrifice. Let’s all just do one of
these while we’re here. (audience laughing) I love my boyfriend. (gagging) Oh god, I’m so
sorry, I’m so sorry. I have to say that for the joke, but I also want you to
know that I am sorry. I love my boyfriend,
I’ve told him so. I definitely told him that
I loved his dick first. And then about
three months passed and then I said it to
the rest of his body. (audience laughing) That’s weird, right? What happened in
those three months? I guess some ambiguity
got cleared up that I never felt
about his penis. His penis, I was
like, yep, for sure. And then him, I was like,
let’s hangout a few more times. (audience laughing) I have follow up questions. My boyfriend loves that joke. He’s always like, Are
you gonna tell the joke about how my dick is good? (audience laughing) I’m like, It’s not a joke
about how your dick is good. It’s a joke about
how I wasn’t sure you’re not a serial killer. (audience laughing) I’m never sure, I’m
always so cautious at the beginning of
a new relationship. Just because everyone
I know is dating the worst person I’ve ever met. (audience laughing) Anyone else here know someone
who’s dating someone horrible? Yes, you’re being a
little quiet about it. Are you here with them? I get it, you can
never say a word. And I don’t trust
myself not to be that person in the
terrible relationship. I know for a fact
I’m that person. I dated a guy who
went to mime school for two and a half years. (audience laughing) And he broke up with
me, I didn’t even get out of that on my own. He broke up with me
before he graduated. (audience laughing) And I still went
to his graduation. Because I wanted to
be the bigger person. I wanted to be
supportive, go watch him accept that invisible diploma. (audience laughing) And I was talking to my best
friend on my way over there and she was like,
Emily, don’t go to that. You know his new
girlfriend’s gonna be there, don’t you think you’re
gonna be jealous? I was like, you remember I said I’m going to his mime
school graduation, right? (audience laughing) I think my jealousy’s
gonna be under control. I don’t think I’m
gonna be sitting there looking at her goin’,
Oh, you lucky bitch, I wish I was takin’ that striped
mother fucker home tonight. No, listen, if you want
to get over someone, and I mean like really
thoroughly get over them, go to their mime
school graduation… (audience laughing) If you get a chance, that
was like getting an hour long pat on the back from
a white gloved hand. (audience laughing) Just gently saying to
me, You are better off. Well, not saying it. (audience laughing) It took all my strength
too not to just shout out in the middle of
the whole thing, Hey, why don’t you do
the one where you’re a… trapped in an
unhappy relationship. (audience laughing) Why don’t you do the
one where you’re… Stringing someone along
for two and a half years. You’re good at that one. (audience cheering) Thank you. I’ll accept your applause. A lot of work went
into that joke. A lot of work, not just
writing it or practicing it, or honing it in
front of audiences. It was the two and a half years of dating someone who
wasn’t even a mime yet. (audience laughing) You’re like, I’ve
earned an applause break on that one, that’s all. All that is to say I’m cautious
now. But the signs are good
with my current boyfriend. There are no red
flags, he’s friends with all his ex girlfriends, which I actually
take as a great sign. It means he didn’t
serial kill them. (audience laughing) They’re all still
around, walking, talking, vouching for him. That’s important to me. Honestly, the only thing
I don’t like about that is I do think that sets a
very unfair precedent for me for how mature he expects
me to be when we break up. And that is not gonna happen, I am going to burn
his house down. I don’t care if he breaks up
with me or I break up with him, I am burning it to the ground. I love him, he’s so nice,
I’m burning it to the ground. We just moved in together, I don’t have a back up
plan on where to live. But I do have renters insurance. (audience laughing) I’ll be honest with
you, I don’t understand how people stay friends with
their exes after a breakup. It’s like, why would
you wanna stay friends with the one person who knows
what’s really wrong with you? Put the person on a
rocket ship to the moon, I don’t need to see
them ever again. I definitely don’t need them
hangin’ around in my life, ready to warn all the new
people I’m tryin’ to trick. (audience laughing) That’s not a liability
I can afford. I’m not that good of a person. My boyfriend and I, we
did move in together. We’re also not planning
on ever getting married or having kids, so
this is it, we did it. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) It’s very anticlimactic. Like, have you ever fallen
asleep on an airplane and then woken up
as it’s landing? Like, oh, are we here? That’s how I feel in my
relationship everyday. (audience laughing) It’s great, but it is
literally unceremonious. There will not be a ceremony. And it’s weird that I’m gonna be calling him my
boyfriend forever. ‘Cause I’m not gonna
break up with him, he’s definitely not
gonna break up with me. He’s heard that last joke. So that means that
if all goes to plan, at some point, I’m gonna
have a 70 year old boyfriend. He’s 68 now. (audience laughing) But like, I already feels
childish to call him that, but there aren’t really
good alternatives. I want people to take our
relationship seriously. Boyfriend doesn’t
communicate that, but I’m not gonna
call him my partner. We’ve never played
tennis or closed a deal. (audience laughing) We’re not that active. I’m not gonna call him my lover, that doesn’t tell
people we’re committed, it just tells them
we don’t use condoms. (audience laughing) Soulmate I actually
like, it’s very spooky, very Halloweeny, I like that. But the problem is, I don’t
think it applies to us. I don’t think he’s my soulmate. I’m sorry if that makes you sad. I just kind of think in
order to be soulmates, you have to at least have the
same opinion about Star Wars, and my boyfriend’s opinion
is that it’s not that boring. So, oh my god, we
are not soulmates because those movies are
so boring, oh my god, oh. And if this is the
point in the show where I’ve lost you,
good riddance, nerd. (audience laughing) Oh my god, I don’t care. I will die on this hill. I met my boyfriend online, that’s where I do
all my shopping. (audience laughing) I have Amazon Prime too, so
it was like two days, so fast. I’m kidding, of
course, it took forever and I met a million
monsters, it was the worst. It was like trying
to meet Super Mario, it was just like monster
after monster after monster. Just like, turtle,
mushroom, lizard, just like over and
over and over again, until I eventually
found the princess. I call him princess
now, he’s fine with it. Are the nerds back? Anyway. (audience laughing) I think the weirdest
reaction that I get though is when I introduce my
boyfriend to one of my friends and they find out
that we met online, they’re always like,
You met him online? He’s so normal, you
won the lottery. I’m always like, How dare you? Because I did online dating
for years before I met him. Winning the lottery
takes one day, no skill. That analogy does not
properly honor my resilience. Do you have any idea
how many men’s opinions I had to listen to
before I met him? (audience laughing) How many conversations I
had about Quentin Tarantino? It was just one conversation,
but I had it a hundred times. (audience laughing) And it ended the
same way every time, with me saying, Yeah, I
haven’t seen that one either. (audience laughing) And that’s just once
you get to the date. Before the date there’s the
profiles and the messages. When you are a straight
woman online dating, you just have to read a bunch of personal essay by
unaccomplished men. (audience laughing) It’s the worst book
club you’ve ever joined. (audience laughing) Not one of them has
done a single thing to earn a minute
of your attention. So no, I didn’t win the lottery, that doesn’t describe
my experience. What happened was I
ate at a restaurant that gave me food poisoning
everyday for years. And then one day I tried
the pasta and it was fine. (audience laughing) And I was like, Oh, I guess
this is what I’m ordering now. I might get bored
of this eventually, but I cannot risk it
on another menu item… (audience laughing) At this point in my life. I don’t want you guys
leaving here thinking I hate
men. I want you leaving here
knowing it for sure. (audience laughing) And you know, usually I
feel like I need to justify that further, but you
read the news, you get it. (audience laughing) But the truth is, I feel like
I escaped from online dating relatively unscathed
compared to other people. I never got harassed,
I never got assaulted. Only one I went out with
ended up being a DJ. (audience applauding) I know you guys believe me, but sometimes there
are people who don’t. And so I always feel
the need to back up what I’m saying
with some evidence. So I did bring a little
bit of an exhibit A, just in case you were wondering what we’re really up
against out there. I’m gonna read to
you a real message that I got on the
dating website OkCupid. Yeah, the women
know what’s coming. (audience laughing) I’m not gonna preface it
because I don’t know how to. (audience laughing) I’m just going to tell
you that this real. I know I have to say
that because people
have come up to me after shows and been like, Oh my god, how did
you come up with that? No. (audience laughing) I wish this didn’t happen to me. This is a real message that
a human being sent to me, another human being, on
the dating website OkCupid. Hello Ma’am. (audience laughing) Okay, I feel like
we’re all in agreement about that being like
a rough start, yeah? It’s somehow both
polite and so rude. (audience laughing) Hello Ma’am, great
pics, I love it. Can I be your errand
boy or human dog? (audience laughing) I am good with content writing,
designing basic websites, doing a bit of
photography, video editing, house cleaning, doing
errands, light cooking, and I am also fine with
racial humiliation, et cetera. (audience laughing) Okay, so I don’t
know about you guys, but for me personally, racial
humiliation is the only item on that list where I don’t know what an et cetera
means after it. (audience laughing) And it’s the only
one that got one. He could of put that
etcetera anywhere else in that paragraph, I
would have been fine. Designing basic
website, etcetera. Okay, he knows
HTML, maybe a little bit of photo shop, I get that. By the way, I’m not okay
with racial humiliation. There is no way I’m cool with the et cetera that
comes after it. (audience laughing) Unless it stands for apologizing
for the racial humiliation. I don’t like the way
he phrased that either. I am also fine with racial humi. Like I brought it up. (audience laughing) Like that’s my deal breaker
we’re negotiating on. I’d also just like to point out none of these are things
a human dog would do. (audience laughing) He promised me human dog, why is he offering
to write me content? (audience laughing) He should drink out of
a bowl with his tongue. That’s all I’m saying. (audience cheering) The next paragraph is just a
marvel of the English language. I have lived in
LA for two years, but now I am back and
want to move back to LA. (audience laughing) Where do you live, Bro? I mean, I know it’s a van,
but where is it parked? (audience laughing) I can probably get a job. (audience laughing) Women love confidence,
he knows this. I can probably get
a job and you can control my paychecks and money. (audience laughing) Please consider, GK. So I wrote him back. (audience laughing) What, am I not gonna
write him back? Do you guys wanna hear
what I wrote him back? (audience cheering) Do you guys wanna hear
what I wrote him back? (audience cheering) Okay. Okay. Hey Man, I’m in. Thank you, Seattle, it’s
been so great being here. (audience cheering) Have a great night. (upbeat music)

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